PONDERISMS…Something to think about….

These funny Ponderisms arrived as an email today from a good friend of mine.  I had a good laugh and thought I would share them.  I’m not sure who the author is, could be Jerry Seinfeld or Rodney Dangerfield…. there wasn’t one listed in the email…

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?’

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Can you cry under water?
 
How important does a person have to be before they
are considered assassinated  instead of just murdered?
 
Why do you have to “put your two cents in”…But it’s only a penny for your thoughts?  Where’s the other penny going to??
 
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?
 
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
 
What disease did cured ham actually have?
 
How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
 
Why are you in a movie, but you’re ON TV?
 
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
 
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
 
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
 
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?  Aren’t they
both dogs?
 
If Wiley E. Coyote had enogh money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn’t
he just buy dinner?
 
Why do they call them cookies if you bake them? Shouldn’t they be called bakies?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea….does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together, it spells ‘THEIRS’?

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